The Liberation of Sita Read online

  Rama listened to her in silence.

  ‘Why don’t you say something?’

  ‘What is there to say? Innocent people like you with pure hearts will never understand what women like her say. Go to sleep, Sita, it’s quite late.’

  He said it almost like an order and went to sleep himself.

  Sita wanted to recount to Rama the entire conversation, but she understood that he was not interested in the details.

  Ahalya’s words kept coming back to her, and annoyed and disturbed, she spent a sleepless night.

  After that, for a long time, she more or less forgot about Ahalya.

  That day, Sita’s heart was filled with joyous excitement. She heard the news of Ravana’s slaying. She rejoiced at the thought of release from Lanka. Her heart was aflutter in anticipation of meeting Rama. How would she react on seeing Rama? What would Rama say? His affection, love, touch … She was going to have it all again. Tears of joy flowed freely from her eyes. Seeing Lakshmana in the distance, Sita walked quickly towards him.

  The look on Lakshmana’s face surprised her. Hadn’t Ravana been slain? Then why wasn’t there joy on Lakshmana’s face? Instead of walking with his head held high in the pride of victory, why was he walking with his head bowed, like a culprit?

  ‘How are you, Lakshmana?’ Sita enquired. Lakshmana bowed his head further.

  ‘Sri Ramachandra, your brother, is he well?’ Sita had no misgivings about Rama’s well-being. But looking at the gloomy face of her brother-in-law, she couldn’t think of anything else to ask.

  ‘He is well, Sister-in-law.’

  ‘Then why do you look so sad, Lakshmana? Why isn’t your face cheerful? Your brother has sent you to fetch me, hasn’t he? Let us go then.’

  ‘I should tell you something, Sister-in-law.’

  Sita was beginning to panic. On the one hand, the din made by the victorious vanara sena could be heard even in Ashoka Vanam. Then why did Lakshmana look like someone completely defeated?

  ‘Sri Ramachandra wants you to undergo a chastity test, Sister-in-law.’

  When the words sank into her heart, Sita could barely stand. She collapsed to the ground.

  ‘Sri Ramachandra has no misgivings whatsoever, Sister-in-law. It’s only for the sake of the people. Justice alone will prevail in the trial. Truth will triumph. Everyone will applaud your character once you withstand the test. Sri Ramachandra has asked me to convey this to you, Sister-in-law.’

  The image of Ahalya flashed across Sita’s mind.

  What does conducting an enquiry mean, Sita? Distrust, isn’t it? Wouldn’t it be better, instead, to believe in either your innocence or guilt? … All men are the same, Sita.

  Did Ahalya know it would turn out like this? Rama has asked for my chastity test. Isn’t death better than this? Isn’t leaving me to my fate better? Why humiliate me like this? Why wage such a war if this is how I was going to be treated?

  War is for demonstrating the valour of men. Rama has proved his heroism. He is awaiting the demonstration of his wife’s chastity. Isn’t this what Ahalya called distrust?

  Wouldn’t accepting her in trust or rejecting her in distrust be better? What should be done now? Sita’s heart was like a volcano.

  ‘Don’t misunderstand Sri Rama, Sister-in-law. This is just a measure to keep anyone from saying anything unpleasant about you later. You should walk into Ayodhya like a glowing fire. You can’t imagine how distressed and distraught my brother is. But he really is helpless, Sister-in-law.’

  As Lakshmana described Rama’s despondency, the burning in Sita’s heart subsided.

  Rama has no misgivings. He knows the truth. He is doing this for my sake, to save me from any accusation. He must be agonizing over my response. He must be tormented by the thought of the gulf this could create between us.

  Sita prepared herself to console Rama.

  He is helpless. A weakling. But against whom? Not against Ravana but against society. Against its moral principles, its code of justice. Sita recalled Ahalya’s words once again:

  Pollution, cleanliness, purity, impurity, honour, dishonour—Brahmin men have invested these words with such power that …

  Rama’s arrow will fail against that power. Brahma’s weapon will wane. Rama has to be rescued. He has to be protected from this society. His tears have to be wiped. He has to be given strength. No one but she can do it.

  No, Ahalya, Rama has no distrust. My Rama is not like other men. This is the truth. I may not be able to prove it to you. The world may not believe it. But for me that is the truth.

  Didn’t Ahalya say that too …

  Each one to their own truth. Does anyone in this world have the power to decide between truth and untruth?

  Ahalya, why did you utter these words? I am beginning to grasp their meaning now. But is my understanding correct? Who can tell me?

  Sita held her head with both hands as if it were going to split.

  Leave all these thoughts for later. First I should see Rama. I should face the trial boldly.

  Sita stood up and wiped her face clean with her sari’s end.

  ‘Let’s go, Lakshmana. Let’s go to your brother. Let me see what this test is.’

  Lakshmana looked up in surprise at these bold words of resolve.

  Sita is the daughter of Earth, he thought he heard a whisper in his ears.

  Even after coming back to Ayodhya, Sita was unable to forget Ahalya. She felt diffident even as she set foot in the antahpuram. Would she be able to bear it if any one of her three mothers-in-law mentioned the trial?

  When Kausalya embraced her and said with tears running down her face, ‘My daughter-in-law is a chaste woman,’ Sita felt a hardness, a steeliness enter her soul. Why is Mother-in-law so relieved at the confirmation of my chastity? Did she doubt me? That was how she had thought of Ahalya too.

  Ahalya had said, ‘Whatever gives you peace of mind, that alone is the truth, Sita.’ Did Mother-in-law too think similarly or did she trust me?

  These were questions with no answers. There was no one Sita could confer with, and no one talked openly about what had happened. Rama was behaving as if nothing had transpired. There was no change in his love. He showed the same affection. What would Ahalya think of her? Would she laugh at her? ‘Never agree to a trial, Sita,’ she had said. But Sita agreed to it. Would Ahalya believe her if she said that she had agreed to it not for herself but for the sake of Rama? Would she be able to understand Sita’s decision? Ahalya was a gnani. She would definitely understand. Sita’s desire to meet Ahalya grew stronger by the day.

  She would not be able to talk to anybody else the way she could with Ahalya. And if Sita did not confide in someone soon, her heart would harden even more.

  Even when the entire antahpuram was celebrating the news of Sita’s pregnancy, Sita spent the day thinking about Ahalya.

  ‘It seems pregnant women have a lot of cravings that have to be satisfied. Mother insists that I find out your heart’s desires, Sita,’ said Rama to her one day.

  Although Sita felt like telling Rama that her heart’s desire was to meet Ahalya and to talk to her, she restrained herself. Rama would be hurt. He wouldn’t like it. But then again, if her wish remained unfulfilled, it would not do any good to her mind or to the foetus in her womb.

  ‘I feel like going on an outing in the forest, Rama. I wish to once again visit those ashrams, river banks, and enjoy the beauty of the wilderness.’

  ‘That’s not a difficult wish to fulfil. We shall certainly go.’

  Sita felt excited and apprehensive at the same time. Why did she initiate this venture? If she spoke to Ahalya, the unrest in her mind would only increase, not decrease. Was she simply inviting trouble? No. She had gained enough experience to not be annoyed by Ahalya’s words. Unless she listened to Ahalya’s wise words, she would not attain peace. Ahalya alone had the power to calm her agitated mind.

  Although she would be accompanying Rama, Sita was determined to find an opportunity to
meet Ahalya by herself.

  Gradually Sita’s heart filled with happiness. Her face lit up with the eagerness of one who was going to meet her dearest friend. Looking at her cheerful face, Rama too rejoiced. He thought, everything will settle down after the visit to the forest. It would have been wonderful if Sita had returned to Ayodhya from the forest and not from Lanka. But that wasn’t to be. Now an opportunity had come up again. After they returned from the forest, Sita would present him with an heir. With that, everything would change. The thin veil of awkwardness that had come between Sita and him would be lifted.

  That night, Rama slept as peacefully as he used to during their forest sojourn.

  When she came to know that Rama was not accompanying her on the visit to the forest, Sita relaxed. Now she could spend as much time with Ahalya as she wanted. She could empty her heart out to her without any restraint.

  Boarding the chariot happily, Sita was surprised by the gloomy look on Lakshmana’s face.

  ‘Are you not well, Lakshmana? Why didn’t you assign this task to Shatrugna?’

  Without a reply, Lakshmana took the reins into his hands and stirred the horses. Sita gave him the landmarks near the waterfall that she wanted to visit. But Lakshmana stopped the chariot well before the destination, before the woods turned thick.

  On Valmiki’s instructions, the inmates of the ashram were looking after a pregnant Sita with extreme care.

  Sita looked like a frozen River Ganga. Seeing her thus, Valmiki wondered, how do we prepare her for easy labour?

  He said to Sita, ‘If you want something, tell me without any hesitation, my child.’

  ‘I wish to meet Ahalya,’ Sita said, looking straight into Valmiki’s eyes.

  Valmiki was taken aback for a moment. Recovering, he said, ‘As you wish, Sita. She is certainly capable of giving you solace. I’ll send her a message.’

  After Sita had waited for her for two days without any other thought on her mind, Ahalya arrived in Valmiki’s ashram.

  ‘How are you, Sita?’ Ahalya asked affectionately, sitting next to her and taking her hands in hers. Sita buried her face in Ahalya’s lap and sobbed inconsolably.

  ‘Don’t cry, my child. Such grief is not good for you in your condition.’ Even as she consoled Sita, there was a thin film of tears in Ahalya’s eyes. After crying her heart out, Sita said, ‘Now my heart feels lighter, sister. Since the time of Ravana’s slaying, my heart has gradually been hardening. After seeing you, and after receiving your affectionate touch, my heart is tender once again.’

  They talked to each other in silence for a long time.

  ‘Now I understand the meaning of what you said about truth and untruth, sister.’

  ‘There is no better path to wisdom than experience, my child.’

  ‘I agreed to the trial only for the sake of Rama, not for my own.’

  ‘Don’t I know that.’

  ‘But again … will my decision haunt me forever?’

  ‘Till you take decisions for Rama’s sake and not yours, it will continue to pursue you, Sita. Look at yourself. You are enduring great pain. You think you are enduring it for the sake of someone else. You think that you have performed your duty for the sake of someone else. Your courage, your self-confidence … you have surrendered everything to others. What have you saved for yourself?’

  ‘What is “I”, sister? Who am I?’

  Ahalya smiled.

  ‘The greatest of sages and philosophers have spent their lifetimes in search of an answer to this question. You means you, nothing else. You are not just the wife of Rama. There is something more in you, something that is your own. No one counsels women to find out what that something more is. If men’s pride is in wealth, or valour, or education, or caste–sect, for women it lies in fidelity, motherhood. No one advises women to transcend that pride. Most often, women don’t realize that they are part of the wider world. They limit themselves to an individual, to a household, to a family’s honour. Conquering the ego becomes the goal of spirituality for men. For women, to nourish that ego and to burn themselves to ashes in it becomes the goal. Sita, try to understand who you are, what the goal of your life is. It is not easy at all. But don’t give up. You will discover the truth in the end. You have that ability. You have saved Sri Ramachandra, can’t you save yourself? Don’t grieve over what has already happened. It is all for your own good, and is part of the process of self-realization. Be happy. Observe nature and the evolution of life. Notice the continual changes in them. The forest doesn’t comprise ashrams alone. There are also people of many races in it. Observe their lives. You belong to this whole world, not just to Rama.’

  Ahalya’s words sounded like the music of the earth. Sita was listening to her attentively.

  ‘You are about to experience motherhood. Enjoy that too. Bring up your children without nurturing any hopes and expectations; be like the doe that rears fawns.’

  Sita’s latent maternal instinct welled up. As if on their own, her hands caressed her swollen belly. Her eyes sparkled with the glow of love and life.

  The next morning, Ahalya got ready to leave.

  Noticing the lustre in Sita’s eyes, Valmiki was relieved.

  Sita embraced Ahalya.

  ‘Sita, shall I tell you what the truth is in my case?’

  ‘Don’t, sister. It’s all the same. It has no meaning.’

  Sita gave her a respectful send-off.

  Holding the boys to his breast, Rama became ecstatic.

  Having accepted his sons as Ayodhya’s heirs, wouldn’t the state accept Sita as its queen? After that, he would not care about what anyone said.

  He sent a message asking Sita to return to Ayodhya.

  When she received the message, Sita remained equani­mous. The glow of contentment that had brightened her face in the last twelve years did not diminish even a bit.

  She declined Rama’s request with a smile.

  ‘Can you live without your children, Sita?’ Another message arrived at the ashram from Ayodhya.

  Rama thought that Sita would succumb to this appeal to her sentiments.

  ‘These children are not just my children, Rama. They are symbols of the life force of this universe. I have realized that they belong to the whole universe. Of course, you, and they too, believe that they belong to Ayodhya and are the heirs of Raghu Vamsa. You should act according to your belief.’

  ‘Then what about you, Sita … without a husband, children?’

  ‘I am the daughter of Earth, Rama. I have realized who I am. The whole universe belongs to me. I don’t lack anything. I am the daughter of Earth.’

  Rama was left speechless by those solemn words.

  Devoid of Sita’s support, Rama tasted defeat for the first time in his life. By refusing to bow down to external authority, Sita had fully experienced, for the first time, the inner power of self-authority.

  The Sand Pot

  The forest in spring. So many hues, so many fragrances! An intoxicating fragrance from the mango trees scattered here and there. Melodious songs of the kokilas! Sita was witnessing the glory of spring for the first time and enjoying it to her heart’s content. On one of those days, she noticed the women of a neighbouring ashram go out in a group. She was curious to know where they were all going. But before she could call out to them, they had gone out of earshot. When she asked Lakshmana, he said he did not know where the women were going. They could find out when they returned in the evening, he said. But no one knew when they came back. Those who had gone out in a group returned individually, perhaps.

  Next morning, after completing her chores, and after Rama and Lakshmana bid her farewell to go into the forest, Sita went to Shanta’s ashram, which was nearby.

  As soon as she entered the ashram, she was pleasantly surprised. There were two beautiful statues, and five or six pots with attractive pictures on them, arranged in a beautiful pattern. Sita looked at them in delight and asked, ‘Where did you get these from, Shanta? They were not there whe
n I visited you the other day.’

  ‘We had all gone to Renuka Devi’s shrine of sculptures. I picked up what I liked,’ said Shanta.

  ‘Renuka Devi?’ asked Sita, curiously.

  ‘You don’t know her, Sita. You’re new to this place. Renuka Devi’s shrine of sculptures is about a half-hour walk from here. Every year we all go there, and get the pots, stone vessels and statues we want. We went there yesterday. We should have asked you to join us,’ said Shanta.

  ‘There is such skill in Renuka Devi’s hands?’ asked Sita, surprised.

  ‘Of course! Not just these. She has many more, which are even better. She knows all the secrets of the art of sculpture. Once she starts work, it’s like she’s meditating. There are few sages who are so absorbed, even in meditation. While you look at these artefacts, Sita, I’ll go fetch a couple of pots of water.’ Shanta went out of the ashram.

  Renuka Devi—that name evoked some old memories in Sita’s mind.

  She was familiar with the name—when—where? Then Sita remembered her swayamvaram. She also remembered the commotion that followed soon after Rama had broken Shiva’s bow and she had turned to go back into the antahpuram after adorning Rama’s neck with a garland.

  Who was he? He had rushed in like a volcanic mountain and burst upon Rama like an apocalyptic cloud.

  The women of the antahpuram had taken Sita inside. Sita struggled hard to recall their conversations of that day.

  ‘Parasurama is a great warrior. He is the one who vowed that he would not let kshatriyas live on Earth—What will happen now? What will this Brahmin do to Rama?’ Sita had trembled at her companion’s words.

  ‘Not only a valiant warrior, but a hard-souled man. He is so cruel that he did not even hesitate to cut off his mother’s head,’ another woman wailed. Sita had trembled even more with fear. Noticing this, everyone stopped talking and started comforting her. She was shedding tears, anxious for Rama. The ecstasy she had experienced on seeing Rama, the pride she had felt at his valour, the feeling that she experienced in such a short span of time that Rama was her everything—she was afraid that all these would be taken away. Not that she did not have confidence in Rama’s courage, but Parasurama’s ruthlessness brought tears to her eyes. He had killed his own mother! Sita’s head reeled.